compliments

We sit and we sigh

And nothing gets done

So right, so clued-up

We just get old

And all the while

Been torn asunder
Nicotine

And bacteria

What are we coming to

What are we going to do.

Tonight I did some deep thinking and some much needed soul-searching. It was definitely neccessary for me, mentally.

After a very tedious and unnerving lecture by my mother I decided I needed to find some sort of clarity to put my mind at ease. Instead of pulling my hair out, pushing buttons and yelling, I took a deep breath, said "I understand and respect your sentiments" and stepped outside. Green tea in hand, I covered myself in a blanket and turned on my iPod.

Kele's belting-out of such heartwrenching words was, ironically, what I needed to hash out my own thoughts.

I've been so tense and stressed, anxious and on edge ever since I can remember. I'm not quite sure why. I suppose it's a byproduct of the emotional environment I grew up in. But that's a different story.

I took several deep and drawn-out breaths and leaned back in my chair. As I looked up at the sky, the stars and the nearly full moon, I let it all out. Every emotion I've been feeling, every ounce of pent-up anxiety and resentment, and everything I fail to put into words.

For once I could actuallly appreciate the sweet scent of freshly cut grass, the chirping of insects(ew) nearby and the whisper of cars in the distance. At least it's life.

And not to sound too ethereal, but isn't life all we really have? The only thing we can ever know for certain is the reality of life and death. Everything else is icing.

And I know I've always said that I really only want to do what will make me happy, and I know many of you say the same. But what is happiness? What will it take to reach it? Will you ever reach it, are you planning on it or are you planning on living life the way others would have you?

Because, again, life goes on while we're busy planning.

I also realized that life is too short to walk around with a grudge weighing me down. Sure, I'll always be pissy, opinionated and not afraid to speak. But I also can't let past events hold me back, conciously or subconciously.

So I sorted through my thoughts, through past relationships, resentment and "failures". I've vowed to live life on my own terms from now on. To not let others' doubt or blackmail dictate what I choose to do. Because that would only lead to certain unhappiness. And I'm through with that shit. I'm through with depression and I'm through with guilt.

Yeah, I've fucked up. A LOT. But I can own it, perhaps regret it, and look past it.

Instead of fighting with my mom like I did with my dad, I'll inhale/exhale and smile. I already have one fucked-up child/parent relationship, I might as well build and salvage the one that remains. It's my only chance.

And I miss all of my friends. I feel like I've abandoned so many people. I'm really, really sorry... I cannot stress this enough. But true friends will always be friends. They always remember and love no matter what. I'm sure I have some great, wonderful friends that will be there forever and always. And they'll receive the same from me in return.